Loss of Control
Posted on June 2nd, 2009 by Mistress Rikka
What is it about the loss of control that is a major driving force in domination? Are we looking for balance in our lives when we crave a partial or total loss of control? Is submission a natural part of our sexual desires? When I ask my clients what they desire from me, I hear very similar answers: I don’t want to think, I want a beautiful woman to take charge, I want to loose myself, I want to be helpless, powerless, totally controlled. But why would this be? And again, the answers are all very similar: I am in control all day, the stress of responsibilities and work makes me want someone else to think for me at the end of the day. So is it balance? Balance of daily life and balance of sexual exchanges? Or is there something else behind the desire of being controlled by another person?
This weekend I had the opportunity to control another person via phone. He bought a “pay as you go” phone for me and I instructed him to turn the phone on vibrate and place it in his pants next to his cock. This weekend, his cock belonged to me and the phone was my leash. I had to come up with creative ways to “control” my cock. I would ring him 30 or more times in a row throughout the day without leaving a message. I would leave a message giving him various instructions to be completed within an exact time frame. He was told to call me back once the task was completed at a specific time such as 5:43 or 7:13. One minute late meant punishment. Sometimes I would give him 3 or 4 specific times to call me back within the hour just so he would be consumed with only thoughts of me for the entire hour. Sometimes I would ignore him for a few hours further to torment him. With the “leash” next to my cock, he waits and waits for my call yet nothing happens. Kind of makes me giggle.
I have to admit it has been a fun game for me, but what is interesting is the comments he leaves on my phone. “I could get nothing done today because of thoughts about you, I am so distracted, I feel completely powerless, your control is overwhelming.” Why would he want this?
For me, the thrill of control is watching the affect I have over another human. In a very positive way, of course. I would never get off on really hurting or humiliating another human. There is something powerfully positive about BDSM. I cannot explain what it is, but it seems to bring out a side in people that is free and liberated. Free of judgment, free of pressures and restraints. I have the opportunity to see a side of people that even their closest friends and lovers will never see. The thrill of control for me is pushing buttons and limits and bringing out the playful and fun and devious and naughty side of people. Why do I get off on positive control? I am firmly convinced that I was born this way. Ask any of my childhood friends or high school boyfriends. Or better yet, my teachers. I was always in trouble for talking my classmates into doing something they shouldn’t do and then stepping back to watch things unfold. Harmless things that pushed limits.
Anyway, my cock slave was instructed to get a zip lock bag which he will hold on to until further instructions. I think we all know what the zip lock bag is for. He was to call me at a specific time once he obtained the zip lock bag. On the dot, he called breathless saying that I did not give him much time and he was just leaving the store with a box of zip lock bags. I could hear the pleasure in his voice. Whatever he was doing at the time was put on hold, he was forced out of his house and to the store with little time to spare. He got off on the control and I got off on his excitement.
As I write this, he has been instructed to call me three times within the next hour to beg for my permission to cum. I may or may not answer the phone. Between you and I, I will not be answering that phone. If he successfully completes his task, he will be receiving another string of tormenting calls before I decide what to do next. One of the joys of this type of play is I never know what I will do next. That is all part of the adventure. In fact, after writing this, I left a message saying that if he called me back in 30 seconds, he would be granted my permission to cum. Impossible task. Naturally he did not call me back in 30 seconds and we both enjoyed every minute of his suffering.
But back to the question of control: Why do we crave control on certain occasions? Most people prefer to be in control of their lives, personal and sexual, the majority of the time but there is always a tipping point. Some people prefer to be controlled all or most of the time, but that is very rare.
So here are my questions for you, and I expect answers:
1. Is the main reason you fantasize about BDSM control and if not, what is it that attracts you to BDSM?
2. What factors in your personal life make you desire being controlled?
3. What fantasies do you have about being controlled?
4. What are you looking for when being controlled: balance, sexual fantasies, stress management, natural state of sexuality?
5. What other comments do you have about control?
Please share your opinions and thoughts with me. As you know, I love BDSM and am always curious about the reasons people are interested in BDSM. So share with your favorite Mistress.
June 2nd, 2009 at 12:24 pm
Control is that elusive thing we’d probably like to live without but instead constantly struggle with. How much do we really control? But every day the battle goes on & the scattered thoughts never leave our minds, pushing and pulling, acting and reacting a million times over.
One of the great places to find is that flow state where we lose track of time and place. I’m not talking about being distracted while driving home and suddenly you’re there. This sacred place is where we’re so absorbed in the moment and task at hand that time disappears.
So to “lose” control, especially when associated with among the most intimate aspects of our lives - sexuality - would seem to be a great place to be.
I think that’s a huge part of the control issue with this subject. And the fact that you treat clients with such respect throughout it all is a huge part of the reason you get the reactions and success that you do.
Thanks for asking the questions to keep the discussion going.
June 2nd, 2009 at 9:07 pm
Hi Mistress Rikka. I can’t wait until I’m in Atlanta again and can be under your control. To answer your questions.
1. Is the main reason you fantasize about BDSM control and if not, what is it that attracts you to BDSM?
I think loss of control is the main reason. There is just something about being forced to do something against my will that just totally turns me on. I can’t really explain it, but I have fantasized about it all my life. I remember as a kid playing with my babysitter and having her tie me up (playing cops and robbers). I also remember as a kid pretending that I was being forced to do something against my will by a beautiful woman (like lose at a video game or something like that) or be in big trouble. I’d make up sceenarios where I didn’t do what I was told and was punished and would masterbate to that. At some level, I’ve always craved that loss of control even before I knew about BDSM.
2. What factors in your personal life make you desire being controlled?
I don’t think it’s any one thing in my personal life. I think it’s just in my nature. For the most part, I want to have control of everything in my life. I over-analyze every decision and agonize over every little thing that “might” go wrong with any given decision. With BDSM, I don’t have a choice. I’m forced to do something and the consequences be damned. It seems to be very liberating (although I don’t really think about it in that way typically and is probably on a subconscience level). That’s why I think I want total loss of control, and why I wanted a no limit no safe word session the last time I visited you. If I have any say in the matter, then I feel like I’m controlling the situation.
3. What fantasies do you have about being controlled?
Probably too many to talk about here. My ultimate fantasy is to be in a situation where I am forced to do something by my mistress with absolutely no way out. Not something that I’d want to do anyway (that’s easy) like being forced to lick your ass (although don’t get me wrong that’s heaven to me), but something that I typically wouldn’t want to do and would never even dream of doing without being forced to do so. Something that really stretches my limits to new levels. Something where I would be in the middle and tell you that I had changed my mind and you just laughed at me. If I screamed, you gagged me and beat me until I stopped. Absolutely no way out in a situation that I don’t want to do. If you want specific examples, I’m sure I can provide them.
4. What are you looking for when being controlled: balance, sexual fantasies, stress management, natural state of sexuality?
I think sexual fantasies and natural state of sexuality. It’s hard for me to get off just on normal sex anymore after getting involved in BDSM.
5. What other comments do you have about control?
I think I’ve given you pretty much everything I can think of. However, if you want me to give more thoughts, please let me know, and I will be glad to do so.
June 3rd, 2009 at 2:25 am
Rikka,
BDSM is all about control for me. I don’t think there is a single “answer” as to why I desire, no make that crave, this loss of control.
Many of the things you mention above play a part - being controlled by a beautiful women, leaving my normal life behind for a few minutes, and not having to feel like I have to be in control all the time.
But I think it really boils down to is excitement and adventure. All of us have predictable routines we slip into, even you! All of us need excitement and adventure in our lives to feel truly alive.
My favorite read is a heart-pounding, can’t wait to turn the next page, thriller. When I hand over absolute and total control to you, I get to LIVE my own real action story, with you of course being the antagonist. We are both reacting to the tangible sights, smells, sounds and sensations of the play we might be engaged in at any moment of time. Just as important, I am simultaneously wondering - where this is leading? what you are going to do next? Will it hurt or will it feel great? All the while knowing that no matter what you choose, all I can do is go along for the ride.
I think getting hooked on play with you is not too different from what an adrenaline junkie might feel. For many people, I believe you provide the “antidote for the tyranny of normalcy”, and this in fact is essential if we are to feel truly alive.
As for sharing more personal fantasies with you, I’ll have to pass on that for right now. I have already provided you with far too much ammunition for our next meeting in a couple of weeks!
Rikka’s Smart Ass S.
June 3rd, 2009 at 12:52 pm
Oh Smart Ass, you cannot help opening your mouth, can you? Yes, you have provided me and Julia with a considerable amount of information.I actually feel sorry for you at this point.
It does not surprise me that you are an adventure seeker. I dated someone who was an adventure/thrill seeker and he could not get enough BDSM. And the crazier and more intense, the better. I also get a lot of men who played contact sports in the past, and they seem to enjoy the adrenaline rush. A little different from an adventure/ thrill seeker, but similar motivation.
I think the adventure seeker might be more on the intellectual thrill side and the rush seeker more on the physical thrill side. What do you think?
June 3rd, 2009 at 12:59 pm
Daniel, Thank you for your comment. Being in the moment and forgetting the world around us and all of its stresses is a crucial factor in why people turn to BDSM.
During most of my sessions, my clients seem to let go of themselves and enter a different world. They seem in tune with their bodies and the sensations I am creating. Almost lost in a peaceful world even through I might be doing something painful. It is hard to describe.
But the feedback I receive the most is “My head is now cleared out. I feel so good, like I just had a full body massage inside and out.”
Why do you think that is?
June 3rd, 2009 at 7:43 pm
For me, I am attracted to BDSB by the raw sexuality of it. In BDSM, I am able to do and experience things that I would never be able to otherwise.
As for being controlled, there is nothing sexier than the total trust that comes from allowing yourself to be helpless and at risk…in the care of another.
For me, control is not just about being restrained (though you know that I love to be restrained and unable to move at all). It is also in being made to perform and please. Probably my biggest fantasy is to be in a room full of beautiful women, all who need and deserve oral worship. I am naked and used for their pleasure. As the evening goes on, I am sometimes tied and teased and tormented, and at other times, allowed “free” reign to wander the room and service which ever ladies request/demand it.
As I have indicated above, for me, BDSM brings a heightened sense of raw sexuality…and with it… sensuality. It is more than just the “touch” but also the sound and smell. For instance, reading your stories here, would be so much more erotic and sexy if they were recorded so we could hear your sexy, beautiful voice.
Control? In a trusting environment, with a beautiful woman who, over time, has gotten to know my needs and desires, as well as introducing her own…then being controlled to meet both our needs…that is what BDSM is for me.
June 4th, 2009 at 2:25 am
You are absolutely correct. For me, the mental aspects are even more important than the physical aspects.
Of course, our play does provide a “physical thrill ride.” By the time we are done, I am usually soaked in sweat and there has been a huge release of endorphins. And, as you know, there are always physical reminders of the time we spend together (though these sometimes don’t last as long as you think and or as long as I’d like!).
But for me, BDSM is even more an intellectual thrill ride. Physically, we may play for an hour or two. However, the mental thrill of our play lasts for days or even weeks. Leading up to a session, I find myself fantasizing about what is going to happen when we get together. I am wondering what activities we will engage in and what new surprises you have in store for me. As you well know, I also can’t help but to tease you in the days before we meet. For me, this adds to the anticipation and hopefully brings an edge to our play.
After we are done playing, the physical impact of our time together fades away much quicker than the mental impact. Physically, I am back to normal after a few hours or a few days. Mentally, I’ve been changed forever. I’ve experienced something that will stay with me forever. It is something I will come back to in my mind time and time again. And, of course, my mind almost immediately begins “crafting” where we might go the next time we see each other.
BDSM cannot help but to impact a sub both physically and mentally. I believe, however, it is the mental impact that keeps us coming back “like a moth to a flame.”
June 5th, 2009 at 7:39 am
Regarding your question about feedback that compares a session with a full body massage:
That’s an interesting analogy. Massage is certainly a form of trust and surrender. To be naked and vulnerable on a table and have someone working on your body with oils is a form of great trust and intimate contact. The mind is returned to the sensations at hand, usually pleasurable but sometimes a bit rough when working the big kinks out. Hmm…even kink gets into the comparison here….
It would seem that part of the magic goes beyond the surrender and also to the lasting and perhaps antagonizing yet delightful build up and anticipation. I’m curious if those who feel their heads are cleared - are they always allowed to cum? Are there any who feel that way without total release? That would get at the question of separating the mental from the physical. I’m really curious about that issue.
So I would think that the experience is a beautiful blend of giving up control followed by a much and perhaps long anticipated payoff.
On the flip side of things, I’m wondering how you feel about having such enormous power and responsibility?
You discussed the thrill you get when pushing buttons as well as the opportunity to see a side of people that they don’t reveal to others. I can imagine the excitement and even challenge of creating that sort of moment, especially when it’s so sexually charged. And clearly you pour so much of yourself into each scene and client. Is it ever really tough or a burden? Clearly this is much more than a business for you.
So I hope it’s not a burden, but just curious? Also interested in how you got to the place of wanting to have this responsibility besides the thrill? In some ways, it’s taking on the burdens of others. Are you some kind of devilish saint!? Femdom stigmata?
What have you felt about this talent and responsibility as you’ve done more and more of this? Is there another sort of level you’d like to take all this to? How can your readers and clients support you in all this?
December 8th, 2009 at 8:35 pm
Mistress Rikka,
Here are my answers for your approval or discard.
1. Is the main reason you fantasize about BDSM control and if not, what is it that attracts you to BDSM?
Yes, BDSM is very much a need to be out of control. But it is not stress. It is a desire to allow someone like Yourself to do whatever You choose to do. i want to give myself to the Domme. That kind of slavery i find ultimately freeing.
2. What factors in your personal life make you desire being controlled?
i think that Freud would say i have some latent mother issues. But i don’t really know. i am a boss and yet i do not “order people around.” So, i don’t think it is balance. i just think i have an innate need to be dominated by a gorgeous Woman.
3. What fantasies do you have about being controlled?
my favorite fantasies have to do with being completely tied down and teased, tormented, tortured (even though i am not into pain particularly), and forced to do things that i would never do in my vanilla life. i do have a major fantasy about being ass-fucked with a strap-on but my ass is so tender and the pain so intense i have never been able to get it done.
4. What are you looking for when being controlled: balance, sexual fantasies, stress management, natural state of sexuality?
Two things i think. First, sexual fantasies are extremely important. Reading Mistress Rikka’s journal is fantastic because i can visualize the scene so clearly. Second, natural state of sexuality, if i understand the meaning. i need a constant sense of sexual tension.
5. What other comments do you have about control?
my ultimate goal with the loss of control is to do exactly and precisely what my Mistress desires. my goal is to give Her pleasure in any way She chooses, humiliation, feeling my pain, sensuous activity such as foot, leg ass worship, or full massages. i would love to be a Mistresses personal attendant.